holy contradiction

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

―Rainer Maria Rilke

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**The audio recording of this Morton Train is available to paid subscribers here.**

Twenty years ago, when I was studying interfaith ministry, we’d focus on a different world religion each month. When we got to the topic of Catholicism, many of my fellow students had their hackles raised, voicing their disdain for the Vatican. I surprised myself by getting up in front of the class and delivering a spontaneous, emotion-filled speech. “I have that anger too! I’m pro-choice. I’m gay. I don’t believe the dogma. Heck, I’m standing here as a woman on her way to being ordained and I wasn’t even allowed to be an altar girl. The corruption, hypocrisy, misogyny, and abuse within the Catholic church are abhorrent to me.”

I took a deep breath. “And...

“Catholicism is the path of my ancestors. It’s a language I shared with my beloved grandmothers. The church is where I learned about ritual, tradition, and community. The mass is the first theatrical event I participated in, helping me to understand myself to be a theatre artist. Some of my biggest heroes are mystics and social justice warriors who came from the Catholic tradition. Being raised Catholic - even as I wrestle with it and venture far from it - is the foundation of my spiritual journey which I cannot deny. It’s part of who I am.”

In that moment, I gave myself permission to have it all be true, both the rage and the reverence. I gave myself permission to hold contradiction.

It was a year ago that I published my website, officially naming myself a secular chaplain. As I wrote on the home page, “I call myself ‘secular’ because I have no religious affiliation. I call myself ‘chaplain’ because, for the past twenty years, it is the word that best encapsulates the unique role I’ve played in people’s lives.”

I’ve been told that “secular chaplain” is a contradiction in terms. Perhaps that’s why it suits me. Steeped in conversations about sacred matters and the cultivation of inner awareness, I’ve witnessed over and over how contradiction is an invitation to exploration and growth.

“I’ve been a Baptist all my life. And I weep when I hear God referred to as She or Mother.”

“I'm Jewish. And Sufi poetry resonates with me like no other text does.”

“I’m a computer scientist. And I feel most like myself when I’m outside in nature.”

“I am fiercely atheist. And I am deeply moved by ritual.”

By simply being willing to examine a contradiction, a little opening is formed in one’s mind/ heart/ awareness. What a gift.

Although I’ve strayed far from my Catholic upbringing in many ways, I find great comfort sitting alone in old churches. The quiet there is like no other. It’s a tangible, visceral quiet. I slide into a sturdy wooden pew, I breathe in the familiar scent of extinguished candles, and I feel the Peace that generations of people sought and found under that roof.

And then I go on my way again, holding contradiction with as much grace as I can muster.

the Owl of Night and the Rooster of Day, Central Park NYC