pondering self-love, part 1
“Capitalism is to us like water is to fish. We do not notice that it surrounds us.”
- Dr. Emilia Roig
**The audio recording of this Morton Train is available to paid subscribers here.**
I heard a story about the Dalai Lama getting interviewed by an American years ago. He was asked about the prevalence of self-hatred in our society and what could be done about it. His Holiness was incredibly confused by the question and went back and forth with the translator to understand it. Turns out, it wasn’t the question that confused him. It was the term ‘self-hatred’ that both baffled and surprised him. Self-hatred was a concept he had never heard before and found difficult to grasp.
And yet, how prevalent it is.
Self-loathing, a harsh inner critic, and chronic unworthiness are quite common in our Western culture. There are various theories about why that is.
Personally, I think the Christian doctrine of original sin and the so-called Protestant work ethic have been incredibly detrimental to the human psyche for generations.
And then there’s internalized homophobia, internalized sexism, internalized racism, and internalized classism to blame for self-hatred. We can’t help but view ourselves through society’s faulty lens. We can’t help but talk to ourselves with society’s toxic language. “These forms of oppression are insidious, perpetuated by cultural attitudes so deeply held that it's difficult to recognize them,” says Alia E Dastagir.
What isn’t discussed or named as frequently, as a culprit for perpetuating self-hatred, is internalized capitalism. When self-worth is intrinsically tied to productivity, income, job status, physical appearance, purchasing power, and accomplishment, how can the inner critic ever quiet down?
In a culture that values profit over anything and everything else, how can we not undervalue our own personhood? In a “more, more, more” culture, how can we not see ourselves as “never enough”?
In a society that shames us for our vulnerabilities, how can we not aspire to impossible perfection? In a social media landscape that forces us to constantly compare ourselves to one another, how can we not judge our own worth?
I mean, goodness gracious, if we aren’t doing, doing, doing all of the damn time, if we aren’t proving ourselves, if we aren’t achieving in some way, we are deemed lazy. [Lazy, by the way, is defined as “unwilling to work or use energy.”] The fear of being lazy or being perceived as lazy is very real for a lot of Americans. How can that not affect one’s inner dialogue?
In my sessions as a secular chaplain, and in conversations with friends over the years, I’ve heard the phrase “I’m so hard on myself” again and again. Some people are so adjusted to being hard on themselves that they don’t even notice they’re doing it until it’s pointed out: “You’re being so hard on yourself.” “I am? Oh.”
I wonder… what happens within one’s being when the inner dialogue shifts from hard to gentle?
The Dalai Lama famously said, “Kindness is my religion.” For a guy who couldn’t even grasp the concept of self-hatred, his belief in kindness as a loving force must apply to the self. So…
Given our ubiquitous internalized capitalism, self-compassion and self-love and a kind inner voice are downright revolutionary. (Count me in.)
To be continued…
Thank you! Lead onward...!
Thank you, Elizabeth! This post is gospel!